We get plenty of messages telling us not to conform. To be true to ourselves, otherwise we lose ourselves. No one is telling us that the opposite is true, too. In our desperate attempts to stand out, be different and unique, we also end up losing the essence of who we are.

My Capacity for Self-Delusion

 

Bismillah walhamdulillah

All my life, I have shared a room with my older sister. The room would often be messy, and I often blamed her for it. I always thought of myself as a neat person. I liked to have things neat and in order, and I noticed that I was almost always the one who would eventually tidy up the room.

About a month ago, I moved out of my old room. I’ve had my own room for over a month now and let me tell you… It is a mess. I put things in order and shortly after, it’s messy yet again!

I had no choice now but to be honest with myself (and to apologize to my sister). I am a messy person. I was the source of the mess all along! I leave things in random places, I’ll put stuff down on any flat surface, and in the end it looks like nothing but clutter.

The reason this was such an epiphany for me was because of how convinced I was before, that I was the neat one and that the constant clutter in our room was my sister’s fault. You have to understand, I was truly convinced of this.

This just goes to show you what a huge capacity human beings have for self-delusion (as Ibn al Qayyim rahimahullah said). And that is very humbling. It’s humbling to know that your knowledge and awareness of reality is so limited, that the one thing you thought you knew about (you)… you actually don’t really know about!

Post-Graduation Depression

Bismillah walhamdulillah

In 2012, my friend Habibah graduated and received her Bachelors. She had applied to a program at Med-school but had not been accepted.

I began to see her throughout the summer and into the next semester, when I was still attending school, and she would tell me about an intense depression that she was feeling. She felt hopeless and could not imagine things getting better. Her sadness was visible, her presence carried heaviness, and it became rare to see her smiling.

Another brother graduated from six years of Med-School. While he was attending and studying for difficult exams, he was fine. As soon as he graduated, he and his friends sat around in a depression, wondering where to go next and questioning whether or not this was all worth it.

This phenomenon is not uncommon. These are two examples, but there are many (Google it – subhanAllah it’s an actual term) and I’m sure this will resonate with others.

I thought about it and realized that there is only one thing that is lost when someone graduates or meets a milestone that they had been working towards.

Contrary to what some may think, it’s not the loss of a schedule, the routine, or even the friends, that contributes most to this depression.

It’s nothing more than a loss of purpose.

For years, they have been working towards this goal, and this was their purpose. Then one day, the goal is met and their purpose is fulfilled. It seems to be counter intuitive to say that this is when things start to go downhill for them, but upon further thought, it makes all the sense in the world.

The human being needs a purpose. Our Creator ordained it to be this way. And He was so merciful when He told us exactly for what purpose He created us. “And I did not create jinn or man except to worship Me [alone].” Surah Adh-Dhaariyaat, ayah 56.

And He swt was so merciful when He gave us a purpose that requires constant striving, for our entire lives. Even at our deaths, we hope to die with dhikr on our tongues (La ilaha illAllah) – worship.

So the Muslim who realizes his or her true purpose is secured from this type of depression that I have mentioned here. That is because, we may graduate from universities and programs and the like, but our true purpose is not yet fulfilled.

Depression & Suicidal Thoughts

“A bend in the road is not necessarily the end of the road. You may just need to make that turn in order to see the light at the end of the tunnel.”

Yasir Fazzaga

My Notes:

The Quran makes it clear that by virtue of our humanness, we will face challenges in our lives and we don’t get to choose when or what. With the challenges, it’s not just the loss but the impact it has on us. Depression is one of these challenges.

Depression is not necessarily a character weakness, and not something you can tell someone to “snap out of it.” So if you know someone who is depressed, don’t assume they are weak. Depression can happen to anyone of any ethnicity or religiosity.

Islam says that because you are a Muslim, you have access to tools, so if you are depressed, you will be prevented from going into despair.

Religion prevents the despair, not the depression.

Suicide is the 3rd leading cause for people between 18 and 35 and the 2nd leading cause of death for college students.

Usually the depression is not as much of a problem as the way that people choose to cope with it (e.g. drinking, drugs, etc.).

Tools

1. Early prevention – if you detect it, do something about it. Depression is about doing nothing and idling, so we need to do something. Being functional despite being depressed will help you get out of it and/or have lesser form of depression.

2. Surround yourself with a good support system – about 80% of people, before completing suicide, called a loved one. If someone reaches out to you, take that seriously.

Signs of Suicidal Thoughts: People giving away valuables.

Don’t be afraid of asking people “I’m noticing you’re very depressed.”

3. Seeing a therapist does not mean that you are weak because you cannot do it on your own.

4. Re-labling – you’re not necessarily changing the facts, but you re-label it and it can change your outlook.

5. Knowing Allah through His Names and Attributes

6. Close the gap between what you believe and your actions – your actions should be a testimony to Islam and Imaan.

7. Prayer and getting close to Allah. A lot of times a therapist will send a person to receive “spiritual healing.”

A good therapist helps you to tap into the well of tools that you already have.

Counseling Tips: Don’t make rookie mistakes

Bismillah walhamdulillah

A few things to keep in mind so that you don’t make rookie mistakes (like I did):

• Seeing it through their lens and Defining terms. Don’t worry about trying to understand everything about the client through your own lens. Try to see it from their lens, and one way to do this is to ask them to define their terms. Don’t let them say “I feel lonely,” without getting them to define what “lonely” means to them. Yes, I know you know what lonely means. That’s what lonely means to you. Find out what it means to them. And what are the implications of being lonely?
• Try not to show approval or disapproval towards things that the client is saying. They probably already know what is right and wrong. If that’s what their problem was, they would ask you “Is this right/wrong?” If this is not what they wanted, by expressing your approval or disapproval, you’re essentially letting them know what you’d like to hear from them and what you’d dislike. They will then alter themselves accordingly. That doesn’t mean their problems are solved, it just means they’re going to only tell you what they think you want to hear. The goal is not to encourage them to share everything with complete disregard, but to allow them to mention what they feel is necessary in terms of finding a solution.
• Realize that you are only hearing a piece of it. Your client is one person. Their issues will usually involve other people. Realize that you will always hear one side of the story.
• Giving advice. Don’t be too focused on giving the client advice, especially not right away. Just hear them out first. Sometimes giving someone that space to talk is therapeutic in and of itself without you interjecting with what you think they should do. If it looks like they want advice, don’t just give it straight away.  Ask them what they want you to say. What kind of advice would they like to hear. The answer should be an interesting point to launch from.
• “I was in that same position!” – The problem of trying to “identify.” Don’t identify with the villains in the client’s stories. Sometimes the client will tell you about a huge issue between them and their best friend and after explaining the entire situation to you, the worst thing you can say is “I know exactly what that feels like, the same exact thing happened to me. Except I was in the position of your friend.” You know what she’s probably thinking now? …. ” Great, now I don’t wanna hear anything you have to say.” In my opinion, what’s best is to remain neutral and not identify with anyone. People are very inclined to identify with the client too, and this isn’t necessary. You can advise them without admitting that you were in the same mess a few years ago.
• Don’t react to them and don’t reciprocate. Some people have a way of being and acting that makes other people act differently too. It’s good to make a note of this to yourself, but be aware of it, and remain who you are. Example: Your client may be someone with an attitude. Now you feel like putting her in her place. But don’t. Stay calm and neutral, alter yourself if you have to. And when the time is right, you will have a chance to point this out to her, gently (I’ll mention ways to do that later, inshaa’Allah). She’s probably used to people reacting to her in a certain way, and it’ll catch her off guard to see you behaving differently from what she is used to, and it may open up her heart to listening to what you have to say.

More to come inshaa’Allah

Counseling Tip: Someone is complaining of family problems

Bismillah walhamdulillah

Someone comes to you and begins to complain of a terrible relationship that they have with someone in their family, or better yet, with their entire family!

“My mom and I just don’t get along, it’s been like this for years. She’ll never change.”

“Me and my sister are always going at it, and I can’t take it anymore! What should I do?”

And so on.

After providing them with a space to talk and feel understood, try these tips:

• Try to get them to role-play an actual argument that occurs, so they can feel what it’s like to be on the other side, and so that they can hear themselves.
• Gently get them to assume responsibility for any of the friction in the relationship. Don’t fall for the “it’s not my fault” bit. Remember that the counselor always receives a biased and one-sided account. Encourage them to be un-biased and to assume some responsbility, even if it is just a little.
• Ask them if it is important for them to improve the relationship, and if it is, ask them if there is anything about themselves that they can change in order to improve it. They will probably respond with a reasonable course of action they can take like “Maybe I can do the dishes more often.” Work with them to make the plan more specific and very do-able. This includes any possible hurdles that may come in the way and solutions for those possible hurdles.

An example:

“Is there a possible outcome that you’re afraid of, something that would happen as a result of you starting to do the dishes more often?”

“Yeah, she’s going to think she won.”

Now you have something to work with.

A possible way to respond: “What does it mean to you to “win?”

Sometimes it helps for them to just hear themselves answer these questions.

• Final tip: Point out to yourself, and then to them, any patterns that you notice in the troubled relationships. Then inform them that if they can alter certain things about themselves and their own interactions, that relationship can change and in fact, the entire dynamics of the family can change. Every family has a set of unspoken rules. There are so many of them that sometimes we don’t even realize they’re there. Some of these rules need to be broken, so that those harmful patterns can be broken. [An interesting side point: Many times we see an entire nuclear family take a 180 degree turn in a matter of years, and all it took was for one person in that family to be guided and to turn towards the deen. This person then begins to break many different unspoken (and harmful) rules, has excellent manners in a house that is not used to such manners, is sincere, consistent and steadfast, and eventually everyone’s heart is turned, walhamdulillah.]

waAllahu Alam

[Some ideas taken from] Reference: The Gift of Therapy by Irvin D. Yalom; published 2002

Counseling Lessons: Joseph and Dion

Bismillah walhamdulillah

Source: The Gift of Therapy by Irvin D. Yalom M.D. p.8-9

“One of my favorite tales of healing, found in Hermann Hesse’s Magister Ludi, involves Joseph and Dion, two renounced healers, who lived in biblical times. Though both were highly effective, they worked in different ways. The young healer, Joseph, healed through quiet, inspired listening. Pilgrims trusted Joseph. Suffering and anxiety poured into his ears vanished like water on the desert sand and penitent left his presence empty and calmed. On the other hand, Dion, the older healer, actively confronted those who sought his help. He divined their unconfessed sins. He was a great judge, chastiser, scolder, and rectifier, and he healed through active intervention. Treating the penitents as children, he gave advice, punished by assigning penance, ordered pilgrimages and marriage, and compelled enemies to make up.

The two healers never met, and they worked as rivals for many years until Joseph grew spiritually ill, fell into dark despair, and was assailed with ideas of self-destruction. Unable to heal himself with his own therapeutic methods, he set out on a journey to the south to seek help from Dion.

On his pilgrimage, Joseph rested one evening at an oasis, where he fell into a conversation with an older traveler. When Joseph described the purpose and destination of his pilgrimage, the traveler offered himself as a guide to assist in the search for Dion. Later, in the midst of their long journey together the old traveler revealed his identity to Joseph. Mirabile dictu: he himself was Dion — the very man Joseph sought.

Without hesitation Dion invited his younger, despairing rival into his home, where they lived and worked together for many years. Dion first asked Joseph to be a servant. Later he elevated him to a student and, finally, to full colleagueship. Years later, Dion fell ill and on his deathbed called his young colleague to him in order to hear a confession. He spoke of Joseph’s earlier terrible illness and his journey to old Dion to plead for help. He spoke of how Joseph had felt it was a miracle that his fellow traveler and guide turned out to be Dion himself.

Now that he was dying, the hour had come, Dion told Joseph, to break his silence about that miracle. Dion confessed that at that time it had seemed a miracle to him as well, for he, too, had fallen into despair. He, too, felt empty and spiritually dead and, unable to help himself, had set off on a journey to seek help. On the very night that they had met at the oasis he was on a pilgrimage to a famous healer named Joseph.”

From: The Gift of Therapy by Irvin D. Yalom M.D. p.8-9

A powerful story indeed. It seemed to me that the main point that the author took away from this story is: these two healers were both able to benefit each other in different ways, and it makes one reevaluate the role of the ‘healer’ and the patient. Who is who?

I took a few different points away:

1. The main thing that was on my mind by the end of the story was not that these two were both able to benefit each other. It was that these two were both proof that complete healing and tranquility is not something that one can achieve on their own or something that another human can offer you. Humans are flawed, period. All therapists are dealing with a hundred different issues and if they were to mention any of them to you, you would stop seeing them as this powerful force and that’s dangerous to the relationship of therapist and patient. But being that I plan to offer therapy exclusively for the muslimeen, I do plan to apply this point: There is no healing that is possible, without someone turning to the source of strength, the source of peace, the source of all that is good, Allah subhanahu wa ta’aala. Although this point has to be driven home with wisdom, it must be driven home nonetheless, otherwise you are doing an injustice to the patient (i.e. whoever came to you for help). As a Muslim that others trust and confide in, it is your duty to be for them as much as you can, but to admit to them that you do not have all of the answers or all of the capabilities. The cure to all of the evil and wrong that we see in this world is simply to turn to Allah swt and His divinely revealed religion, if these people only knew. (But I guess people don’t like simple answers.) To continue, they say if you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day, but if you teach him how to fish, you feed him for a lifetime. If people come to you for help, your job is to not solve their problems for them, but to provide them with the tools to solve their problems on their own. Do not allow anyone to become dependent on you, because who are you to be depended upon? You yourself are dependent. Only Allah swt is independent of all needs, while we are all dependent on Him s.w.t. Furthermore, you yourself must understand the power of the salah, the Qur’an, sincere du’aa, crying to Allah swt, before you mention these powerful “tools” to someone else. This is why I’ve always found that the best counselors are the devoted Muslimeen, because you see so much tranquility in them and a clear vision regarding the world around us. When they advise you with something, they do it with such sincerity towards you. They did not receive that except through being true with Allah swt, and true imaan in all that He has mentioned in His Book. Their yaqeen (certainty) is contagious and feeling it for even a few moments will clear away the fog and allow you to see clearly.
2. Don’t be embarrassed to admit that you don’t have all of the answers. It is worse for you to pretend like you do, and for this individual to learn to depend on you for that. Worst-case scenario – they may begin to idolize you, and yes, I mean in the shirk-y sense. There is a type of love and reverence that is only for our Rabb, Most High. (See Suratul Baqarah ayah 165) No human deserves it, so be careful if you try to claim this for yourself, or if you are the one who feels this for any human. Be humble and admit that you are devoid of absolute knowledge. The “healers” in the story were so reluctant to admit that they needed help. Then when they did seek help, they went to another flawed human, and for spiritual advice to top it off. Were the story to continue, I would imagine Joseph would have returned to his depression and acted upon his self-destructive thoughts after the death of his “healer,” Dion.
3. Do therapists need therapy? This is a big topic in the field of counseling, and the overwhelmingly common response is “yes.” In fact, that is supposed to be the “right” answer. How do I feel about this? I’m assuming I’m talking to the “therapists” of the Muslim communities now: If you are trying to help the Muslims with their problems, but you do not have a relationship with Allah swt, this is a situation devoid of barakah. Develop a relationship with Allah swt, a sincere and true one. This will be your best “therapy” as a therapist. (I don’t like to use these terms, but I am trying to make it all hit home). That is first and foremost, and after this if you are able to find a Muslim, with knowledge and the other qualities that Allah swt has praised (patience, steadfastness, mercy etc.) then confide in this person, while knowing full well that any benefit that comes from them, is ultimately by the permission of Allah swt. Knowing that all of the benefit will be by Allah’s permission will protect you from turning the “session” into a pity-party or a chance to complain (1). To conclude on this point, the idea that a Muslim can/should go to a non-Muslim for therapeutic help is extremely debatable, to say the least. I am obviously not shying away from my stance, and were I to think that there were no issues with it at all, I would surely not be in the field. This is why I think it is important for Muslims, especially the leaders of the communities, college MSAs, etc. to have some basic counseling knowledge and tips up their sleeves, for those inevitable instances in which your brother or sister in Islam comes to you for help.

Footnotes:

1. Complaining has conditions through which it can be permissible. Important things to keep in mind: Don’t complain about the Qadr of Allah; Complain to someone who can help; Recognize that the help and benefit was ultimately from Allah swt.

To be continued inshaa’Allah…

Paid in Full?

Bismillah walhamdulillah

People think that religious people are always missing out on life. When I went to the UK this summer to attend a family wedding, I’m sure my extended family was thinking this about me. One lady even said to me, “You don’t like getting ready, you don’t even put any [makeup] on.” Right…I cover my face, but you want me to put layers of makeup on the only part that shows…good idea. Hey, when I’m done, can I borrow some earrings? I wanna hang them from my hijab. So I answered her, “No, I can’t get ready because it’s not properly separated.”

I would pray Salatul istikhara before every part of the wedding, to seek Divine Counsel on whether or not I should even attend. At times, some of the women would say things like “You’re not going, are you?” They probably meant well, knowing that I would hate the environment of the music and mixing, but it wasn’t their decision to make. The decision wasn’t always a simple one. And I knew that there were times when it was better that I come along, just so that I could pull my family away, and so that I could remind them when they forgot. So I would pray istikhara and then I would attend with these intentions in mind. I would put on my abaya, and my hijab and niqab. And I would pray and hope that the stereo system would break.

I attended 5 days like this, entirely covered, sitting away from the men, and often darting outside hoping to get as far away from the music as I could. Others may have looked at me, seen my discomfort with the surroundings, and felt pity for me. But I always felt more pity for them, because they didn’t feel discomfort. And I fully expected a reward from Allah swt for all of my efforts. And I fully trusted the fact that if you leave something for the sake of Allah, He will grant you something better than it.

But I didn’t expect to be paid back so soon.

Within the very same summer, and only weeks apart from these 5 days of struggle, I was invited to:

1 bridal shower

1 henna

1 walima

1 wedding

1 wedding

Total: 5 days

Five days…just like those 5 days. Except these were entirely separated and without music, and would be attended people I knew and loved.

“… And whosoever fears Allah and keeps his duty to Him, He will make a way for him to get out (from every difficulty). And He will provide him from (sources) he never could imagine. And whosoever puts his trust in Allah, then He will suffice him. Verily, Allah will accomplish his purpose. Indeed Allah has set a measure for all things.“

Surah At Talaq, ayaat 2-3

Allah swt is Al Kareem, The Generous. And He swt rewards His believing slaves in this world and in the Hereafter (I still anticipate a better reward in al Aakhira, inshaaAllah!). And He swt shows them miracle after miracle to increase them in imaan. And yet the slave still hesitates to put forth those good deeds. You still hesitate to be different, and to be singled out, and to be seen as a stranger. You dread being left out and missing out on anything. Have you ever stopped and thought about the terrible agony that you would be in when you are standing on Yawm al Qiyaamah, and believers are pouring into Jannah in front of your very eyes, but you are held back from entering because of your sins? Wallahi, that should be enough to make you weep.

Mark my words…No one on this entire planet (or under it or above it) will ever appreciate what you do the way that Allah swt appreciates it; He is Ash-Shaakir (The All-Appreciative), Ash-Shakur (The Most Ready to Appreciate). So stop chasing people that you cannot please. Instead, chase Allah subhanahu wa ta’aala.

As for those who strive hard in Us (Our Cause), We will surely guide them to Our Paths (i.e. Allah’s Religion – Islamic Monotheism). And verily, Allah is with the Muhsinun (good doers).”

Surah Al ‘Ankaboot, ayah 69

And Allah Knows Best.

Random Reflection

This is just a random reflection I had regarding social networking, namely facebook (but it applies to them all). Why do people like it so much? Simply put it, they find comfort being in the company of their friends, of being around people. Being on facebook is similar to being with your friends in real life, because in essence you’re not alone. Being alone, however, is a completely different feeling. If you have trouble being alone, and you find more comfort on facebook, than in sitting alone with a Qur’an in hand, then facebook is nothing but a distraction that is keeping you from tending to your sick heart.

Making People Feel Unworthy

Bismillah walhamdulillah

Would you be surprised to hear that there is such a thing as going to an extreme with Time Management? Well, there is.

One of the symptoms of it is that you make the people in your life feel unworthy of your time. They shy away from contacting you with legitimate concerns out of fear that they might be wasting your time.

You should be stingy with your time, but that “stinginess” means that you use it only to benefit yourself in this world and the aakhira (that includes benefiting others when you can). It doesn’t mean that you shun the masses entirely. You have to ask yourself, why are you trying to manage your time? For many, it is so that you can stop wasting time on useless matters, and spend your life in the service of Allah swt. One of the ways to serve Allah swt is that when your brother or sister is in a real need, and he or she contacts you for help, you put down what you are currently doing, and you help that person with whatever is in your capacity.

It is the time management that allows you to do this, because you have room for lee-way in your schedule when you cherish every minute. On the other hand, if you live life running from deadline to deadline, then when you are hit with something unexpected, things will come crashing down, and if someone contacts you for help at this time, you may not say it, but you’re thinking “Leave me alone! I can’t deal with this right now!”

Why don’t we just take a few minutes to ponder over Surah al-Asr, the whole thing:

By time,

Indeed, mankind is in loss,

Except for those who have believed and done righteous deeds and advised each other to truth and advised each other to patience.

Do you want to hear something interesting? The people that I know that engage in Time Management are actually the ones that are also the most reliable when I need to contact them for advice or help. Even though their schedule is packed, they somehow work you in and find a time to help you. May Allah SWT place barakah in our time. Ameen

waAllahu Alam