Mind the Gap – Improving Family Relations – Abdulrahman Murphy

 

4 Tips:

1. Don’t talk back.

2. Give a positive presence in the home. (Have a merciful body style, i.e. not tense, worried, or harsh)

3. Approach them with kind words that are loving. (If you do this the relationship will bloom).

4. Huge test: Make this dua for them. (English translation) “O Allah, have Mercy upon them, for they nurtured me when I was small.” You’re admitting the fact that when you were young, even though you don’t remember it, they were merciful to you.

Better Be the Best to Your Parents

Kindness to Parents – Muhammad Al Mukhtar Ash-Shinqitee

Trap of shaytan: avoid it

This trap is old and overused, but it still gets so many of us.

When you join the MSA board, you have this mindset now that you’re going to help people. You’re going to go out there and guide others. Heck, you’re gonna save the world!

But take that down a notch. ‘Cause here’s what ends up happening:

With this mindset, you put all of your focus and attention into helping others and tending to the needs of the MSA (for the sake of Allah, inshaAllah). Planning events, buying supplies, contacting speakers, advertising, and the list goes on. This is how you spend your days and your nights. So what’s missing in this equation? You leave zero time for yourself. You leave zero time to reflect upon your state and your relationship with Allah swt and with His Book.

Your tasks become just that: tasks — chores. You come home late at night after having spent the entire day running around trying to “save the world,” and now you face your parents’ disapproved looks. You sit on the couch and have to hear a lecture about how you make no time for your family, and “is this what Islam teaches you?” You respond with anger and arrogance, why? Because you were so busy with the MSA that you never found out how to discipline yourself and how to have good manners, especially with your parents. You were so busy with helping everyone around you, and fixing their problems, that you didn’t realize your poor heart was calling you, asking you to give it some attention. You didn’t realize that you were deteriorating internally.

This is the trap of shaytan. Avoid it.

When you join the MSA, remember why you are joining. One reason, and one reason only: for Allah swt, to earn His pleasure. So if that’s the reason, then you’ll see why it doesn’t make sense that you let the MSA distance you from your salah, or from Qur’an, or from your family.

This advice is especially for those who have recently joined, but it’s also for those who have been falling in this trap for months and years now. Now is the time to recognize it for what it is, and to protect yourself.

You’re not superman, you can’t save the world. And you really can’t help anyone if you don’t help yourself first.

“O you who believe! Ward off from yourselves and your families a Fire (Hell) whose fuel is men and stones, over which are (appointed) angels stern (and) severe, who disobey not, (from executing) the Commands they receive from Allah, but do that which they are commanded.”  Surah At Tahrim, ayah 6

This is an ayah that I quote often, because this is a trap that I find many falling into. So keep reminding yourself about this ayah. Allah swt says “yourrselves and your families.” Pay attention to that order, there is a huge wisdom in it.

How can you save anyone if you haven’t saved yourself?

And then notice that the ones mentioned after “yourselves” is “your families.” Why? Ponder over that.

Do what you want for the MSA, but if you come home, and your parents are displeased with you because you’re not giving them time and not helping out around the house, then ask yourself where your priorities really lie. Are you really a slave trying to please his/her Lord?

Do what you want for the MSA, help as many people as you can, but if your family is sitting at the edge of the Fire, and you’re not giving sufficient da’wah to them, and they barely even see you, then ask yourself where your priorities really lie.

Do what you want for the MSA — no seriously, do it, I’m not discouraging you from helping the MSA, but don’t ever let a day go by when you haven’t improved your relationship with Allah swt, and with His Book, and sought beneficial knowledge that increases you in understanding your deen, and spent time with your family while simultaneously teaching them something new that you learned.

And Allah Knows Best.

Any good in this is from Allah and any evil is from myself and the whispers of shaytan.

The Wooden Bowl – short story

Bismillah walHamdulillah
AsSalam Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakaatuhu

The Wooden Bowl

A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in- law, and a four-year old grandson. The old man’s hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered. The family ate together nightly at the dinner table. But the elderly grandfather’ s shaky hands and failing sight made eating rather difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor. When he grasped the glass often milk spilled on the tablecloth. The son and daughter-in- law became irritated with the mess. “We must do something about grandfather, ” said the son. I’ve had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor. So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner. There, grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner at the dinner table. Since grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl. Sometimes when the family glanced in grandfather’ s direction, he had a tear in his eye as he ate alone. Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food. The four-year-old watched it all in silence.

One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor. He asked the child sweetly, “What are you making?” Just as sweetly, the boy responded, “Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and mama to eat your food from when I grow up.” The four-year-old smiled and went back to work. The words so struck the parents that they were speechless. Then tears started to stream down their cheeks. Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done. That evening the husband took grandfather’ s hand and gently led him back to the family table.< /div>

For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family. And for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled. Children are remarkably perceptive. Their eyes ever observe, their ears ever listen, and their minds ever process the messages they absorb. If they see us patiently provide a happy home atmosphere for family members, they will imitate that attitude for the rest of their lives. The wise parent realizes that every day that building blocks are being laid for the child’s future.

Let us all be wise builders and role models. Take care of yourself, … and those you love, … today, and everyday!

“And We have enjoined on man
to be good and dutiful to his parents”
[Soorah al-Ankaboot (29): 8]

“And your Lord has decreed (commanded) that you worship none but Him. And that you be dutiful to your parents...” [Soorah al-Isra (17): 23]

“The Lord is pleased with the pleasing of the parents, and the Lord is angry with him who angers the parents.” [Saheeh al-Jamee (3500) ]

Tips: How to Treat Our Mothers

Tips on How to Treat Our MothersAnd We have enjoined on man (to be dutiful and good) to his parents. His mother bore him in weakness and hardship upon weakness and hardship, and his weaning is in two years give thanks to Me and to your parents, unto Me is the final destination. [Noble Quran 31:14] They carried us in their wombs for nine months, then endured the pain of labor, and then nurtured us and did everything for us when we were helpless babies and children; they bear the teenage years with patience and advice. We hope this compilation of ways on how to treat our mothers will put a smile on the faces of your mothers, and let them know we have not forgotten what they go through. A smile with a warm embrace. Saying thanks often. An offer to wash up the dishes. A cup of tea without her asking. Recite her favorite Surah, Tidy round after she goes to bed, so that when she wakes up the house is tidy. Buy her little ornaments for round the house so when she sees them she remembers you. Rub her feet (after all, that’s where Paradise is). Phone your mum just to tell her you love her. Buy her surprise gifts. Go to her when she calls you. Write a poem for her. If you’re on the phone, and your mother is asking something tell the person to wait. Cook for her. Let her teach you to cook even if you know, she will enjoy the fact that you’re coming to her to ask. Bring your wife to her to learn how to cook, she will enjoy teaching her your favorite recipes, and both of you praise her cooking. Clean the house without your mum having to ask. Tell her how happy you are that she is a part of your life and your own families. Always take your mothers side in front of your wife and mother over differing opinions; you can appease your wife later on out of sight. Give her money to treat herself. Make breakfast for her. Go to get the shopping for her. If your mother likes to get the shopping, in then be patient with her as she goes up and down the aisles. Do your own washing and ironing. Spread the salaam when you leave and return from the home. Comb her hair. Massage her shoulders. Do well in school Pray all your prayers on time Help with your younger siblings so she can put her feet up. Teach your younger siblings to also help around the house, a mother needs time for her Ibadah too; her Ibadah should not have to fit around housework all the time. Look good and smell nice and be polite so that you’re a good example of her upbringing. Don’t always have your mum waking you up for prayer; try to wake her up instead. Help her with new technology, this stimulates her brain and keeps her mentally fit. Take an interest in her hobbies. If its sewing making sure she has all the things she needs. Ooo and ahhh, at her creations. Listen to lectures together; watch programs together this is what makes the bond stronger between you. Take the bins out and remember to bring them in, once they are emptied, this chore is something Muslim mums don’t like as they have to cover them selves all up to take it out. If affordable, try to buy her the best and freshest food at the supermarket Take her out for drives in the car, especially if you live in the city take her to the countryside, go with the whole family and take a picnic. When you drive make sure you remember that there is a fragile vessel beside you, who would like to see what’s out of the window rather than a blur because you’re speeding. No white knuckle rides please. Ask your mother about her youth, most mothers love recalling their past Be good to her relatives and her friends Name some of your children after her side of the family, as a lot of the time it’s the dad who chooses her children’s names. Have a good relationship with your brothers and sisters; there is nothing more worrying to a mother than seeing her children at odds with one another. Never raise your voice or speak in a harsh tone to your mother. Tell her regularly what’s going on in your life, don’t let her hear your news from others. Seek her opinion in all major decisions, she has been there and done that. Always thank and praise her for the good job she has done over the years. Kiss her when you go and come from the house. Make Du’a for her Always ask her to make Du’a for you and your family, this brings her closer to your family. Ring your mother if you’re going to be late getting home. Try not to stay out too late, as she will not sleep till you’re safely inside. Be patient when she is not feeling well, bring her all she needs, and go with her to the doctors so she has support. Remind your mother to be a good Muslimah , and tell her heart softening stories and about paradise and hell. Read to her Islamic books What ever you learned in a gathering or class, share it with her. Remind her to read Surah al-Kahf on Fridays Take her to the mosque if she wishes to go. Make sure she has contact with other good sisters who will increase her Iman. Take her to her friends yourself or arrange transport. Invite her to your house at the weekend. Take cooked food to her, to give her a rest. Encourage her to do the Sunnah fasts, and then break fast with each other. Know what makes your mother smile and do it often. Be an active and a productive member of society. Mothers are happy when they see this. Buy your mum flowers, the smell and prettiness of flowers do wonders. Lead your mother and family in the Salah. Get married and choose a spouse who your mother approves of. Choose a wife who is soft hearted and will treat your mother well. Don’t put off jobs that need done around the house. Remind her always of the traps of the Shaytan, remind her to do her daily Adkhars. Choose your own friends wisely. Pay for her to do Hajj and Umrah and go with her. Don’t remind her of how much you spent on her. Look after her health, reminding her of the benefits of a good diet and some exercise. Always ask your mums advice about your own household, this makes her happy and lets her know you value her opinion. If there is any problem with your wife and mother, then never carry tales saying what the other said as most of that is done in anger. Read Ruqya Ayat over water and give her it to drink. Buy her beauty products, and perfumes. Be there when there is any lifting to be done. Let her listen and correct your mistakes, when you’re memorizing Quran. Always intervene in any disputes between your parents calmly. Give her some money from your salary every month, so she can save for something she wants to buy, or to give in charity. Lay your head in each others lap, you might be 12 or 40 but in your mothers eyes you’re still her child. Give charity on her behalf regularly. Give charity on behalf of her deceased relatives. Buy her gold, women like it and it’s an investment. Listen to her complaints with understanding, and give her solutions that she can imply to make her life better. Walk at her pace with her on the inside protected from the road. If she wants to share what’s in her glass with you, drink from the same side she drank from. Just like children who need quality time, give this to your mother also. Serve her first with the food. When you give her a drink, wait till she has finished then take away her glass. Use affectionate terms for her and other motherly terms of affection. When you see her doing something wrong, even in that disobedience treat her gently and with the upmost respect. Always open the door for her. Try to always speak in her mother tongue, and if your not then translate word for word, so she does not feel left out. Remind her of the rights Islam has bestowed on the mother, and tell her good stories of how others treat their mothers. Never cut your mother off when she is speaking, and be patient when she cuts you off. Sit at her feet and listen to what she is saying. Make her a large part of your grandchildren’s lives; always bring them over to visit. Teach your own children to respect their grandparents as well. If you are in a class and you are unsure as to why mum is calling then leave the class to answer the call.’ When you’re angry with each other, don’t leave the house, and don’t refuse her food, or any attempts your mother makes to make amends, try to be the first one to defuse the situation. Always knock on her bedroom door before entering Don’t enter into debates that you know will irritate each other, especially in the morning and at night.

Khadejah Jones Share Islam Team ShareIslam.com

Advice on Dealing with Family

as-salam3laykum wa rahmatullahe wa barakatuh
 

Posted in Abu Muhammad al-Maqdisi on October 14, 2009 by Abu Sabaya

“…And I want to remind you of the saying of the Prophet  (صلى الله عليه و سلم): “The believer who mixes with the people and is patient with the harm they inflict is better than the believer who doesn’t mix with the people and isn’t patient with the harm they inflict,” as reported by Ahmad and others from Ibn ‘Umar.

Based on this, what I advise you to do is to be patient with your family and to withstand their harm and to strive to give them da’wah and try to save them from the Fire, as in the verse: {“O you who believe! Save yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is men and stones. It has stern, severe Angels watching over it who don’t disobey Allah in what He orders them with, and they do all that they are ordered.”} [at-Tahrim; 6]

And I hope you don’t think of leaving the house and abandoning them. Exhaust all means of da’wah with them, especially if staying with them will have some effect on even a few of them.

Beware of starting off in a harsh and extreme way that will turn them off. Rather, talk to them according to what they understand with wisdom and kindness, as Allah Said: {“Call to the way of your Lord with wisdom and kind way of speaking, and discuss with them in the best way.”} [an-Nahl; 125]

And remember the saying of the Prophet  (صلى الله عليه و سلم): “Give glad tidings, and do not turn people away,” and: “Indeed, gentleness isn’t found in something except that it beautifies it, and it isn’t removed from something except that it ruins it.”

And start with the most important issues, and go in order. Don’t get into arguments with them over secondary matters while their principles are messed up. Instead, begin by addressing the principles, and if you happen to come across problems in secondary issues, tie it to the main principles and don’t make your enmity with them except when it comes to the basic principle of the Religion, Tawhid, its nullifiers, and what breaks its firm handhold…”

In arabic: http://www.tawhed.ws/r?i=i6ovih5o

SOURCE: http://iskandrani.wordpress.com/

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“If you are studying the deen but you’re destroying family relations, there’s something wrong with your priorities.”

Contradicting Community
by Nouman Ali Khan